A Friend Named Desperation

by Kamaron H.
(Los Angeles CA.)

I once got on a train just to find out where it was going. Some how, I had lost my own destination. It was as if I had just left it somewhere, like in my other pants pocket where I kept my ambition and high hopes. I guess I figured if I had no idea where I was going, I wouldn't be disappointed when I got there.

Walking into detox I felt very much like I did getting on that train. I had lost myself in search of a destination. Traveling the roads of detox was a well worn path in my life. Always pushing my way through it, holding my breath--"It will only hurt for a minute"--a sentence that would echo through my brain as the painful throb of thought coursed into my soul. "What have I done?"

Desperation became my friend after a while. It was the only thing I could count on to keep showing up. Time after time I would look in the mirror and there it would be. Me and desperation, so tightly interwoven I could not tell where I ended and it began. Eventually what was "me" ceased entirely, leaving behind only the vacant fleeting efforts of one trying to survive.

Sitting in that stiff up-right chair, I let the juices of a bitter Subutext flow up from under my tongue. "I can't do this again; I can't get through this again," screamed a voice of panic deep within my belly. This was probably the first truth I had told myself in quite some time. It was this very understanding that first gave birth to a new experience. It was overcome by an acute moment of calm. That analytical current of thought gave way to a pleading prayer: "No more yesterdays, please God, somebody save me from my yesterdays."

That day desperation was the friend that saved my life. What is the difference between a person's first detox and their last? How do you know when you are truly done? Knowing you are done is like knowing you are in love: it just is. You can feel it growing and living in the deepest part of your being. Replacing the worn down roots of low self-worth and destruction with the fertile soil of hope and belonging. Like love, your sobriety must be nurtured and cared for. Never forget your day of desperation. It gave you the start for the life you have today.

Being done means you have released yourself from the anxieties you once felt when getting sober and given yourself the gift of freedom in being sober. It wasn't until I stopped paying attention to the destination that I was able to find myself in the journey.



by

Kamaron H.