Desperate

I wrote the following the other night and feel pretty desperate. What do I do? How can I get help? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have done therapy, medicine, you name it I've done it. I'm afraid I'm at the end of my rope.

I never imagined writing a farewell letter like this, but then again I never imagined completely losing my will to live. I’m afraid to die; it’s the fear of the unknown that scares me. If there is no afterlife, the thought of everything just going dark creates an immense amount of fear in me. But we all die, you can‘t escape it. My life has gotten too difficult and painful for me to go on and the mystery of death seems near. I’m financially in a terrible place and no longer have the fight in me to pull myself out of debt. Maybe if I married and had children my thoughts wouldn’t be so dark and sad. Maybe if I had a fulfilling career or was involved in something of significance I’d find my way. But those things continue to be an unrealistic and torturous dream for me. The loneliness I feel is overwhelming. I live a life of little purpose full of regrets and should haves. I wish I had the strength to overcome my obstacles but I don’t, for some reason I just don‘t. I developed a terrible mental habit at a young age of always looking for the easy way out. That habit has destroyed me. I’m 35 years old, full of negative thoughts, and I’ve lost my way. The strength to find my life’s purpose has left me with no return in sight. Goodbye everyone. This is what’s best for me. Please don’t let my death shed too many tears. I ask that you remember the good things about me. I had some decent qualities, but the mental anguish has gotten to be too much. I love you all. I’m deeply sorry mom for the pain I’ve caused you. I’m deeply sorry for the pain I may have caused anyone.