Help me I'm lost

by Kelley Waggoner
(Griffith, IN USA)

I was raised with money. My dad was successful and did everything for me and not just me for everyone. His joy was helping people and helped everyone he met. In his lifetime he gave away everything he had with a big smile on his face because that was his joy.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was the most awesome experience watching him give so freely. He never made anyone feel like they were nothing and most of the time he was never asked to give anything because he already knew the need and provided for it. Thus, I never learned to budget or create wealth. I never had to.

My dad died 20 years ago. My brother followed him 2 years later in a motorcycle accident. A few years later I got cancer and my sister a year later as well. I recovered, but my sister didnt.

4 months before my sister died, my husband commited suicide. He hung himself in my closet. He had a drug issue for 3 months and I guess decided he wouldnt put us through his problems anymore. I was devastated. I was flooded with every emotion possible. He was my best friend. When my sister died I couldnt even grieve. I had nothing left.

A few months later I met someone. I didnt look to see what he was or what he did. I was running, so I didnt have to think or feel. I had 3 more kids with him a total of 6. I was left supporting everyone because he never worked. I have no life skills to deal with all this so you can imagine how hard everything was for me, as well as, dealing with all the emotions that kept following me no matter how far I ran.

All this being said I cant go on anymore like this. I have to make a change so my kids arent swallowed in the abyss of depression and desolation Ive hung on to for so long.

I'm left with 6 children and the courage to leave the idiot I found along the way and my mother who has some form of dementia and has to live with me. I have to find a happier place. A abundant and healthier life for all of us. I cant lead my children into desolation. I want to give them the happier childhood I had. So where do I start? So what now? I'm having trouble starting every day much less digging myself out of this hole. HELP ME I'm LOST!!