I have two teenage daughters, one will turn 17 in July and the other will turn 19 in September. My girls and I are like one person. We have always been extremely close. We can finish each others sentences.
But....I know exactly what you are going through. When my girls reached 13...our relationship changed. They start to pull away (this is completely normal).
They need to feel their independence from you (especially if you two are very close). It is all a part of growing up. She loves you just as much as she ever did. I now have a grown up mother/daughter relationship with my 19 year old and it is different from the relationship we had before but it has to be. Understand?
You will have to have VERY MUCH PATIENCE and she will try you over and over. Stay firm in your discipline of her but also show her a lot of love and let her know how important she is in your life. If she needs to pull away a little right now....let her. Give her the space. She will always love you and you will always be Mom.
May 03, 2008 Rating
Teenagers... by: Dawn Abraham
Thanks for the great question,I am sure there are tons of mothers out there having the same type of problems with their teenagers. I don't have children so my experience is going to come from the teenagers I work with as an outreach counselor and shocking but true I was a wild teenager myself.
I am sure if my mother could have asked a life coach back then," How do I relate to my daughter?" she would have. When I was fifteen I thought I owned the world and I knew it all. You could't tell me anything, because I had it all figured out.
In saying that, the thing that was missing for me and what I see with the teenagers I work with today is real communication. What I needed from my mother back then was some real communication. Not the kind where she is grilling me or telling me what to do, but the type where she would listen to me.
Had my mother asked me back then "What is going on with you, how can I help and support you?" And then had she really listened that would have blown me away. In her defense she didn't know how to communicate and most of what happened between us was her letting me know that I am not doing something right.
I don't know what you have tried with your daughter but I do know that spending quality time with her and doing things she cares about is a great place to start.
The teenagers I work with that have problems, don't feel heard or accepted by their parents. It's important that they know you unconditionally love them. That you want to be there for them but you don't know how.
It's okay to let them know you're not sure how to help them or talk to them. Ask them what they need from you. You may be surprised what you hear.
When you do get the answer be open to hearing it. Listen as if it were you as a teenager saying the same thing to your mother.
Don't judge, be completely open and really take it in.
In taking that in it shows you care about their feelings and your not just trying to find out what they are doing wrong and how to fix it, they will know the difference.
My last thing to offer here is to have this type of open honest and accepting communication on a regular basis. Make time for her everyday, even if it's twenty minutes. Twenty minutes of real listening and caring is better then eight hours of just being around but not really there for them.
I would love to hear from mothers out there that have been through this and what has worked for them.
I wish for you all the happiness and love in the Universe! Let me know how it goes.
